Nocturnal Pensiveness

I normally blog at night because that is one of only two times I get to sit in front of my computer without distraction. Nighttime and lunch, but even lunch has its distractions. The problem is that at night I'm tired and reflective on the previous day. It's also the time that I'm most introspective.

This post is personal. This is something that I've been meditating on the past few days. It is not an original thought, neither to me nor to the world, but it is a current thought of mine. Blogs seem to be the cyber-parking lot for one's current thoughts, so I'm carefully pulling this one into this parking (cyber-) space.

One of the elements of suffering that single people face is not having regular, physical contact with other human beings. It is unnatural, and it positively communicates negative regard.

Every so often, as lately, I realize that I have not actually touched or been touched by another human being in weeks.

Handshakes don't count. They are too fleeting and void of the kind of positive regard that addresses loneliness. Casual brushes don't really count, but I've gone weeks without even those, or other, accidental or incidental contacts.

One day without contact isn't harmful. Weeks, even months, without it, and a profound sense of being disconnected settles in. Disconnected from the world around you, the human world. Disconnected from society. Disconnected from community. In church, disconnected from Christian community.

To me, it seems God has ordained natural provisions for being physically included in community, e.g., our parents. Nothing is the same as a mother's love, and nothing is as safe as a mother's touch. I cannot go around hugging women willy-nilly--Scripture seems to consider that unwise. But you can always hug your mother. I say "you" because my mother is dead and I can't hug her. Nor can she hug me. And that, my friends, would cause a despair beyond my ability to handle were it not for God's grace. But I miss her to the deepest center of my heart. I am still my mama's boy, and I am not ashamed. To this day, no one on this earth has ever shown me abiding unconditional love, save her.

For boys, physical inclusion in the male community is essential to healthy development. I do not blame my father for my unhealthy development, but he and I did not relate in the loving, physical way I saw (and still see) among my peers and their fathers. This is true of our current relationship, although we do hug each other on occasion, which means a great deal to me. However, physical expression of loving regard, and, sadly, verbal expression of the same, is not a defining characteristic of my familial relationships. I pray your family is different in that regard.

So God has deprived me of two of the safest means of my experiencing physical connection to humanity. My memories of dating and relating to other men physically, inappropriate and sinful as my actions were, bear powerful witness to my hunger for touch. One of my defining characteristics is sensitivity, and it is expressed in being emotionally, spiritually, and physically sentitive. It is a primary way I feel and express love.

So what do I do? Hugs or even prolonged physical contact with women seem unwise. My mom isn't around for me to "love on", as I hear it expressed. For me to initiate it in my family would cause confusion and misunderstanding--it's just not how we are. I see my guy friends engaging in all kinds of physical playfulness, from the mild to the truly (inappropriately?) intimate (like jumping all-but-naked in a hot tub together--still not sure about that one)...it seems to be a natural, affectionate way of relating.

But on the very rare occasion when that affection has been directed my way, there is a palpable discomfort that immediately surfaces because of my past sin. I am not making this up for two reasons: 1) I already said that I am senstiive, and I have a well-tuned ability to sense these very things, and 2) my guy friends have straight-out confirmed it. Adding me to the mix, well, a certain caution arises. It's never as uninhibited when directed towards me as it is among them.

I am not writing this for pathos. I believe it is helpful to name suffering and acknowledge the reality of suffering that is not commonly seen as such. Physical violence, death threats, being fired from a job for Christian beliefs, ongoing sickness or physical afflictions = obvious suffering.

But don't forget other forms. This suffering has a particular flavor that I helped create--my particular sin has created these particular difficulties that may exist for the rest of my life.

So I see yet another aspect of how sin has far-reaching consequences. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved me, even when I was dead in my trespasses, made me alive together with Christ (by grace I have been saved!) and raised me up with Him and seated me with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages He might show the immeasurable riches of His grace in kindness toward me in Christ Jesus.

Amen!