Possibly Against My Better Judgment...
If this post turns out to be what I think it will be (loneliness, pornography, and introspection), you may want to just skip it. For some reason, I think writing about it will help me, but you will probably just roll your eyes.
To the point: I'm lonely. Not I-couldn't-find-anyone-to-go-to-lunch-with-me-today lonely, but O-my-God-I'm-32-and-don't-have-anyone-who-loves-me, desperately lonely.
In spite of my hyper-analytical, oft-paralytical introspection, sometimes I just don't get what's going on in my heart or my head. So I stay busy, or at least stay around busy-ness, and sometimes my subconscious works things out in time. But something has been pushing itself to the surface, demanding attention, and I've been as imperceptive as a first-year sorority girl talking on a cell phone in a Range Rover.
One recent symptom: internet porn. Why do I look? Because the illusion of an intimate connection is sometimes preferable to no connection at all. This isn't a rationalization for looking: I know that it is rebellion against God, and I know that I am willfully participating. The Devil did not "make me do it", as if my natural inclination is not to look.
The fantasy isn't about having sex: for over 15 years I've been able to articulate that for me, as with many people who have a homosexual orientation, it's not about the sex itself. It's about other things, like being wanted. Like being valued. Like being accepted. Like being chosen. And in more extreme expressions, like being worshipped. In short: being loved.
And even though sex is a false substitute for love, the lie is an attractive one. And that's something that has begun to alarm me: that I am more desperate than I realize, and that leaves me vulnerable to doing more than just looking at pornography. I pray with my whole heart that God protects me from the enemy, and from my own brokenness. But if I do not take seriously, and look honestly at, the things that are going on my heart, I am a fool, and Proverbs is clear about what happens to fools.
Be careful when you ask God to help you deal, because He will. I had a revelation in the shower this morning (which is, oddly, typical for me), as I was brooding over many hurts I've experienced at the hands of my father and various friends in my life. It was really out of nowhere, at least that's how it seemed, and I just stood there for minutes remembering a lot of very hurtful experiences, crushing rejections that I've received over the years.
And then God plugged Wire B into Slot C and a light bulb came on: this is the foundation that I'm living from. These experiences still affect me, and they still govern my initial self-image. I have yet to fully acknowledge what my perception of my father's rejection has done to me, especially when accumulated without correction or wise counsel for so many decades. This realization does not excuse my looking at internet pornography, but it clearly and definitively explains it.
My pastor has asked me several times if I have a best friend, and each time I have said, "No." It's true. I have friends, people I see periodically and with whom I'll share a meal, but I do not have any friend(s) whom I feel regard me as their best friend. And for a "best friend" to exist, the feeling must be mutual. There must be an equality of feeling, of regard, and some of the friends whom I consider close often relate to me as if I am their older brother: connected but tolerated.
My pastor's response has been to tell me that this is typical of those "in the ministry", and maybe that's true. Maybe God will always keep me from having a David-Jonathan relationship because He wants me to learn to accept that intimacy only from Him. Not to be crass, but God doesn't call me to grab a movie on a random day just because He wants my company.
Not to have anyone seek me out like that seems to be evidence of how I am regarded, and that is discouraging. Am I that much of a wet blanket? And if so, why? Is my sense of humor unwelcome? Am I too outgoing, e.g., do I make myself the center of attention? Am I uninteresting, or just a one-note Nate? And if so, what is that one note that is so repellant?
I think this perception is founded on the various rejections I've had from nearly all my male friends, from kindergarten on. I've certainly never been regarded as anyone's best friend, so I've accepted that I'm just not that kind of person.
And when I've played the active role in seeking out friends, in making the calls or coordinating the hangout stuff, it's not usually reciprocated. After so many experiments of ceasing the calls just to see if anyone would do the same for me and finding that they don't, I have pretty much given up making the calls.
AAARRRGGH! I get in this mode--and then I have a moment of "My GOD, Jason, get a grip! Stop being so morose and get over yourself!" That just happened.
But the reality is that these things still affect me, and the point is that I am still learning how deeply they are seated in me.
SO WHAT IS MY HOPE FOUND IN CHRIST? Don't y'all ever let me throw this stuff out without making sure I'm looking to Christ. Reality is: Christ is my best friend, and I am His. He regards me in exactly the way I am desperate to be regarded: He seeks me out, He is ever eager to hear even my most trivial thoughts, He is willing to spend hours listening, and He is my advocate in the world and in heaven, always telling others the best about me and about how He loves me.
I mean, how many of us have friends who are our advocates in the community? How many people love us so much that they are eager to share the best about us with others?
But even more importantly, is this best-friendship mutual? Am I His advocate? Am I seeking Him with my whole heart? Am I always ready to listen to His thoughts and ideas? Am I championing His worth in my community? Am I proud of Him, and that we are friends?
So I need to learn to be content when I am lacking, even in human relationship. Please, God, comfort me and give me Your peace.
To the point: I'm lonely. Not I-couldn't-find-anyone-to-go-to-lunch-with-me-today lonely, but O-my-God-I'm-32-and-don't-have-anyone-who-loves-me, desperately lonely.
In spite of my hyper-analytical, oft-paralytical introspection, sometimes I just don't get what's going on in my heart or my head. So I stay busy, or at least stay around busy-ness, and sometimes my subconscious works things out in time. But something has been pushing itself to the surface, demanding attention, and I've been as imperceptive as a first-year sorority girl talking on a cell phone in a Range Rover.
One recent symptom: internet porn. Why do I look? Because the illusion of an intimate connection is sometimes preferable to no connection at all. This isn't a rationalization for looking: I know that it is rebellion against God, and I know that I am willfully participating. The Devil did not "make me do it", as if my natural inclination is not to look.
The fantasy isn't about having sex: for over 15 years I've been able to articulate that for me, as with many people who have a homosexual orientation, it's not about the sex itself. It's about other things, like being wanted. Like being valued. Like being accepted. Like being chosen. And in more extreme expressions, like being worshipped. In short: being loved.
And even though sex is a false substitute for love, the lie is an attractive one. And that's something that has begun to alarm me: that I am more desperate than I realize, and that leaves me vulnerable to doing more than just looking at pornography. I pray with my whole heart that God protects me from the enemy, and from my own brokenness. But if I do not take seriously, and look honestly at, the things that are going on my heart, I am a fool, and Proverbs is clear about what happens to fools.
Be careful when you ask God to help you deal, because He will. I had a revelation in the shower this morning (which is, oddly, typical for me), as I was brooding over many hurts I've experienced at the hands of my father and various friends in my life. It was really out of nowhere, at least that's how it seemed, and I just stood there for minutes remembering a lot of very hurtful experiences, crushing rejections that I've received over the years.
And then God plugged Wire B into Slot C and a light bulb came on: this is the foundation that I'm living from. These experiences still affect me, and they still govern my initial self-image. I have yet to fully acknowledge what my perception of my father's rejection has done to me, especially when accumulated without correction or wise counsel for so many decades. This realization does not excuse my looking at internet pornography, but it clearly and definitively explains it.
My pastor has asked me several times if I have a best friend, and each time I have said, "No." It's true. I have friends, people I see periodically and with whom I'll share a meal, but I do not have any friend(s) whom I feel regard me as their best friend. And for a "best friend" to exist, the feeling must be mutual. There must be an equality of feeling, of regard, and some of the friends whom I consider close often relate to me as if I am their older brother: connected but tolerated.
My pastor's response has been to tell me that this is typical of those "in the ministry", and maybe that's true. Maybe God will always keep me from having a David-Jonathan relationship because He wants me to learn to accept that intimacy only from Him. Not to be crass, but God doesn't call me to grab a movie on a random day just because He wants my company.
Not to have anyone seek me out like that seems to be evidence of how I am regarded, and that is discouraging. Am I that much of a wet blanket? And if so, why? Is my sense of humor unwelcome? Am I too outgoing, e.g., do I make myself the center of attention? Am I uninteresting, or just a one-note Nate? And if so, what is that one note that is so repellant?
I think this perception is founded on the various rejections I've had from nearly all my male friends, from kindergarten on. I've certainly never been regarded as anyone's best friend, so I've accepted that I'm just not that kind of person.
And when I've played the active role in seeking out friends, in making the calls or coordinating the hangout stuff, it's not usually reciprocated. After so many experiments of ceasing the calls just to see if anyone would do the same for me and finding that they don't, I have pretty much given up making the calls.
AAARRRGGH! I get in this mode--and then I have a moment of "My GOD, Jason, get a grip! Stop being so morose and get over yourself!" That just happened.
But the reality is that these things still affect me, and the point is that I am still learning how deeply they are seated in me.
SO WHAT IS MY HOPE FOUND IN CHRIST? Don't y'all ever let me throw this stuff out without making sure I'm looking to Christ. Reality is: Christ is my best friend, and I am His. He regards me in exactly the way I am desperate to be regarded: He seeks me out, He is ever eager to hear even my most trivial thoughts, He is willing to spend hours listening, and He is my advocate in the world and in heaven, always telling others the best about me and about how He loves me.
I mean, how many of us have friends who are our advocates in the community? How many people love us so much that they are eager to share the best about us with others?
But even more importantly, is this best-friendship mutual? Am I His advocate? Am I seeking Him with my whole heart? Am I always ready to listen to His thoughts and ideas? Am I championing His worth in my community? Am I proud of Him, and that we are friends?
So I need to learn to be content when I am lacking, even in human relationship. Please, God, comfort me and give me Your peace.
posted by Jason at 11:36 AM
1 Comments:
I love your honest and open post.
You said that "sex is a false substitute for love"-- in some ways a "marriage", a "husband", a "wife", and a "best friend" are false substitutes for love in comparison to the rich, abounding, and unconditional love that we have in Christ. I have felt many times in marriage an utterly desolate and deep loneliness that I never experienced in singlehood.
The loneliness as a single woman was "I wish there was someone to love and love me and I wish I could be with him forever and ever."
The loneliness as a married woman is best described as: "Here is this person whom God has placed in my life. He's sitting in the other room. He totatlly does not understand me. He has hurt me more than he has ever in our time together. Our conflict is so irresolvable that I feel like there is no hope and no way we can stay together. I have no one else to turn to because he's supposed to be my best friend. I am so profoundly lonely I think I feel like dying."
I qualify my statements about loneliness as a married woman by saying that I would not trade my life married to Lee for anything in the world. But, I found that I still dealt with the same (sometimes worse) feelings of loneliness while convenant-ing with my spouse.
All of these feelings of loneliness (whether loneliness in singlehood or loneliness in marriage) point so CLEARLY to Christ. REALLY, there is no other who would love you, or I, or anyone else as Christ loves us.
Let's keep finding our hope in Christ Jason! It's hard-- I like to shop, or watch TV, or eat instead of finding my hope in Christ. I think that's where He wants us--the point as which we are no longer comfortable (or busy) and He asks us, "Is it ME or are you going to look towards other gods to fill you?" It's hard, but press on...
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