RENT and Hope in Christ

Sit back--this might take a while.

I've been studying at Hot Corner, and I took a "break" to check email and generally piddle for a few minutes. I got an email from iTunes that showed the soundtrack to RENT currently as the second best selling album. As I browsed the tracks to the movie version (versus the OBCR, Original Broadway Cast Recording) in 30-second portions, I listened to the "Finale B", the penultimate song before the Broadway version ends.

I have the full OBCR on my computer, so I listened to Finale B in its entirety. Over and over. And over. Now I'm sitting in Hot Corner with tears in my eyes and wanting to tell someone why.

Stage direction: Enter you.

I first heard of RENT while working for my fraternity. As a member of the "gay community", it was nearly impossible not to have heard about this musical that protrays homosexuals in very good light, as compassionate and loving people who show more virtue than the heterosexual characters in the show. The musical also protrayed sevaral people with HIV and AIDS, a relatively ground-breaking concept for a soon-to-be hit musical.

While traveling to Boston on fraternity business, I made sure to catch the show in the theater district. Carol Burnette's daughter had one of the lead roles, and I was blown away. I had listenend to the CDs over and over, but seeing the show put it all into perspective. I remember feeling such hope after that show, and I took the message of the show as one that gave hope for the future.

The next time I saw RENT was with my ex-boyfriend, Hunter. I was in law school at UVa, and RENT was going to open in Washington, DC, just two hours NE of Charlottesville. I bought us tickets for opening night, and we drove to see it. We laughed, cried, and held hands throughout the show. It was amazingly affirming and again, gave me hope that I could find love and acceptance one day.

A few months later, I bought us tickets for closing night, and as we expected, the cast sang their hearts out. It was very moving, and the show took on new meaning. I remember Hunter and I sitting next to an old couple who obviously hadn't been briefed about the nature of the show or the possibility that their season tickets could place them sitting next to a gay couple who would not hesitate to hold hands during the show. I was amused at the time and saw them as representing every gay-hater I had ever known. I pitied them, and I was happy with Hunter.

That's my history with RENT. It evokes strong emotions in me not only because the music is good, but also because of where I was in life when I heard it.

Before I go on, here is the libretto for "Finale B". Angel, the transvestite who is ultra-loving, has died of AIDS, but in a moment of pure theatre, s/he comes back on stage in the middle of this song as the show closes. Because several characters have AIDS, they voice concern about their future with the hymn, "Will I Lose My Dignity?", but the music accompanying it is very upbeat. OK, enough background: here's the libretto.

------------
MIMI & ROGER
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret or life is yours to miss

ALL
No other road no other way
No day but today

(As the finale grows, the entire COMPANY makes its way on stage)

WOMEN
I can't control my destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal is just to be

MEN
Will I lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow
From this nightmare?

WOMEN
Without you
The hand gropes
The ear hears
The pulse beats
Life goes on
But I'm gone
'Cause I die without you

MEN
There's only now, there's only here
Give in to love, or live in fear
No other path, No other way
No day but today

ALL
No day but today
------------

This is the hope offered by RENT, the best message that the composer and theatre community could offer. All we have is now, and all we have is each other, so find a way to ignore regret or you will "miss life". There is "no other road" but to resign yourself to the fate of AIDS, and find the love you can while you can. "Give in to love", the love found in other people.

"Without You" is a double (triple?) entendre: the two singers are both HIV positive and in love, she a drug addict, he a former junkie who must take his daily regimen of prescription drugs to stay alive. Without each other, they would die. Without their prescription drugs, they would die of HIV. Without her illegal drugs, she would die.

I remember when I heard the music and words to the hymn, "Will I Lose My Dignity"? It was scary, but it was reality for me, truly a "nightmare". That's what I had to look forward to: near-certain contraction of HIV at some point. Those words embodied my fear, but a fear I had somehow to accept. And I wasn't alone. Only the wilfully ignorant could pretend that those sentiments are not the present reality of the homosexual. I set my face foward and put on a brave countenance. My friends in law school told me I was a brave person for following my heart, even in the face of societal disapproval or loss of relationships, whether family or friends.

But today my tears are mixed because the words to Finale B can be reimagined in a way that makes sense of the Christian hope. Without Christ, we would die. There is no other Road but Christ, no other Way but Him, and no other day but today to

Come to this Fountain so rich and sweet;
Cast thy poor soul at the Savior's feet.
Plunge in today and be made complete.
Glory to His name!

So the composer of RENT speaks God's truth when he exhorts us to "give in to love, or live in fear". Amen and amen! Give in to God, or live in fear: that is a revelation of Scripture.

The composer also begins down the right path, stating "I can't control my destiny", but instead of putting our hope in ourselves ("I trust my soul, my only goal is just to be"), we should place our hope in the risen Christ. I trust my Hope, my Savior, my Redeemer, and my only goal is just to be His.

I don't know if this post makes sense. I am alone in Hot Corner and emoting more than I can handle witout expression. So there you go.

My Bad Blog Habit

Sorry to have left y'all with that less-than-uplifting-yet-still-true post for so long. I have a bad habit of posting something serious or whatever and then leaving it for days and days. It leaves the impression that I'm stuck in that emotional environment, which I'm not.

God is faithful, always. That Psalm was timely for me, and He providentially planned that I would read it the day that I did. Sometimes He speaks so clearly, so directly, so appropriately that I am reminded that He is real and that He cares about me.

Thanksgiving was great! I got to catch up with my family, especially my cousins. There's always a new baby that has arrived or is on the way. My sister finds out the sex of her child on Tuesday--she and her husband both want a girl.

Of the 100 things I planned to get done over the holiday (school work, school work, and school work), I got done approximately zero. I say approximately because I approximately thought about the work I needed to do approximately 100% of the holiday. So I approximately worried about not getting it done increasingly approximately all weekend long. My anxiety wasn't assuaged by going to the coffee shop, either.

Nothing funny to say. The post ends here.

Cravings & Death

And they ate and were well filled,
for he gave them what they craved.
But before they had satisfied their craving,
while the food was still in their mouths,
The anger of God rose against them,
and he killed the strongest of them
and laid low the young men of Israel.

In spite of all this, they still sinned;
despite his wonders, they did not believe.
So he made their days vanish like a breath,
and their years in terror.
When he killed them, they sought him;
they repented and sought God earnestly.
They remembered that God was their rock,
the Most High God their redeemer.
But they flattered him with their mouths;
they lied to him with their tongues.
Their heart was not steadfast toward him;
they were not faithful to his covenant.
Yet he, being compassionate,
atoned for their iniquity
and did not destroy them;
He restrained his anger often
and did not stir up all his wrath.
He remembered that they were but flesh,
a wind that passes and comes not again.

Psalm 78:29-39

The children of Israel craved food, so God not only gave it to them, He caused bread (the "bread of the angels") and meat to rain down on them in abundance.

So He let them have what they craved, and while their satisfaction was still in their mouths, He killed the best of them.

The history of God's dealing with His children is full of mercy, but don't forget that it is full of His judgment, too. As I consider my own cravings, and when I think of God's letting me have them, I ought to consider carefully the warnings of Scripture.

The Battle

As I was driving in my car this morning, I continued to meditate on the battle I face every hour, a battle that I'm tired of fighting. The battle is in our hearts, Brothers and Sisters. Our hearts.

Not the courtrooms. Not Iraq. Not in downtown Athens, New York, or San Francisco. Not on TV or in Hollywood. Not over marriage amendments, nor in the housing projects. Not on local school boards.

It's much more personal, and that struck me this morning. The most important battle being fought is for our souls, my soul, and that's the one thing the Enemy is fighting for--ownership of our souls. Even though I've heard it for years, it got very personal this morning.

And our Hope is that the battle has been won (although experientially in a very Presbyterian "already-but-not-yet" way). What does it mean that Christ has won? What does it mean that God has revealed the end of the age in and through His Word? How can we be sad when the only thing that matters has been settled, and that for our eternal good?

Sometimes it takes a good bit of effort to get excited about Christ's glory for Himself. And I know that it's a bit too self-centered for my Reformed beliefs to get too excited about my own glory coming. But that is a reality--one day I will be done with sin, done with rebellion, done with fighting for the enemy, and His glory will spill over on me because that's what He has planned. I will reign with Him. Does the Bible mention that we will serve Him forever? Don't the angels do that well enough? Were we created for a different eternal purpose? And is it anti-Gospel to look forward to that reality with longing?

10:00 p.m. on Saturday

Walker's Pub, downtown Athens. Skipping the so-called mandatory meeting of Redeemer folk to vote on something that is so necessary and immediate to the church's growth that voting for it is almost a no-brainer. I don't have kids, so I don't feel especially compelled to go.

I returned from the Georgia Music Teachers Association annual conference unscathed and pretty much unchanged. The most useful seminar was on teaching methods for children with learning disabilities, especially autism. I have taught an autistic child in the past year, and I wish I had attended a seminar like that before taking the student. It would have been much less frustrating.

Carrollton, GA, is pretty boring, BTW. I can't apologize for that opinion because, even if you are from there, you really can't argue that it is anything but. Maybe it is just the campus that is like that. Maybe I didn't see the downtown area. I dunno. I'm happy to be back in Athens.

As soon as I got back, I ran to the UGA main library to check out Mozart's Concerto for Clarinet in A Major (K. 622, for those of y'all who care about that kind of thing). Apparently, I might be accompanying a symphony clarinetist (clarinetan? clarinetite? Bueller?) during the prelude of a wedding I'm playing in two weeks. If I can't play the piano part, I'll just tell the clarinetist (clarineetian?) that we aren't playing it. Or he can play it solo, and I'll be the first one to clap when it's over.

So I ate at Mellow Mushroom and sat outside because the weather is amazing tonight. I met a guy from Atlanta who designs custom homes, a homeless guy named Mike who asked for change (I didn't have any), and a half-drunk guy named Steve who was with pseudo-Goth girl. Steve and p-Gg lit up, so I changed venue.

To Walker's, outside, where I met Andrew, a 1L at UGA law who is scandalously dating a 3L (name withheld due to writer's ignorance). He watched my computer twice so I could go to the bathroom, and I bought him a beer (so I wouldn't be the only person outside with a drink--a margarita, no salt, thank you very much). My computer battery began to die (I was here a long time), so I changed venue again.

To the inside of Walker's. Not a big move, but I can't not read the book I brought if I don't have power for my laptop. So here I am, blogging, watching Vandy catch up to Florida (21-28 late in the 4th), drinking a watery margarita (the same one, thank you very much), and sipping on an Italian soda (strawberry & vanilla--I'm gonna catch diabetes).

What else do you want to know? That pretty much sums up the last few hours of my life. I'm happy here. :) Good times.

Stuff and Such

I ate at Cookies & Company again today. There's something righteous about two cinnamon toast cookies at lunch with a cold cherry coke. RUF Lanier was having lunch with a student, and he stopped by to say "Hi". I also ran into James Snyder who came to downtown just to get a chocolate chip cookie.

Cookies & Co.: I'm not getting paid to blog about them.

Nerd purchase of the month: The Elements of Style Illustrated by Strunk & White. This classic little book changed the way Americans write prose, and now it is illustrated. I heard about it on NPR today and immediately purchased it from Amazon.com, sight unseen. It arrives Friday, and if y'all want, I'll let you look at it. It will probably not be available to be checked out of my personal library. I'll have to stick my "Reference Copy: Do Not Circulate" sticker on it.

I'm not kidding. I have the stickers, and I have the little cards that slide into the little pockets in the back, and I have a date stamp for when it is due. You can get your own kit (and refills!) here. They also carry library kits for loaning out music and film.

I'm leaving in the morning for the Georgia Music Teachers Association annual conference. This year it's at the University of West Georgia (is that what they're calling West Georgia College now?) in Carrollton-near-Alabama, GA.

So I gotta pack and get to bed. See y'all when I get back.